I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
