Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
