my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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