From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
