Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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