Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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