There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
