Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
