omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
