I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
