Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
