I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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