He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
