Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
