Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
