Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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