If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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