if you like me you must not know who I am
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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