he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
