so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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