im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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