Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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