do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
