Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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