I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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