i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
