It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He felt like a one man threesome
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
