You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
