can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
