I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
