she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
