Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
