Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We are all done wearing pants today
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
