Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
