its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
honey bunches of taint.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
