tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
