It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
