someone threw a dead crab at me
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Vodka?
Forever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
