Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
