should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
