I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
