True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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