He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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