Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
