When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
