just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
