matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
