I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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