apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
