FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
