Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
