omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
